a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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