I seem to have left my pride at pride
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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