i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
