i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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