I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
