I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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