FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
