1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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