Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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