did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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