I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
