she looked like the before picture.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
