I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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