You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
