I want to walk on stilts...naked
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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