Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
