I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
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