Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
not ubering you a puppy
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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