hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Randomize
