my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
bring money and cleavage
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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