I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
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