If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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