Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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