My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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