those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize