Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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