he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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