He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
