So drunk, too bad you don't want this
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize