i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
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