I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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