Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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