I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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