I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
If I die, sorry about rent.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
