wanna go halves on a baby?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
