either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
