I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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