i think i have two assholes
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Randomize
