so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
