Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
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