when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
