"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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