this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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