I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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