finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
