with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
How naked do you want me to be?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
