nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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