Me too!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize
