Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
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