Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Tell her she can't have a vagina
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
