if i can run in heels then i can drive
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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