i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
