Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
