so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
