i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
