so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
