ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
