So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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