can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
