my mouth tastes like poor choices
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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