I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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