I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
