I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Found your dick twin last night
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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