i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
