It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
