whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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